Oh HAI, It's me, SCOTT: 2010

I am Paul Winchell

When I was bored a long time ago, I created an alter ego named "Paul Winchell". I dabbled in some stuff, like voice acting. I ended up doing some ventriloquist work, and did the voice for Jerry Mahoney, Knucklehead, and Tigger from the Winnie the Pooh films. Then I got really bored and invented the artificial heart and donated the patent to the University of Utah. Then I got bored again and convinced the world that I died in 2005. You haven't truly lived until you've attended your own "funeral". Look me up on wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Winchell

Go watch my tv show, Winchell-Mahoney Time. It's the shit, G.

Shameless plug

Hey Guys. Go buy my DVD.

http://www.amazon.com/NOVA-Newtons-Secrets-Scott-Handy/dp/B000BKDNY4/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1289508440&sr=8-2

Oh, I'm sorry

That last post doesn't make sense if you don't know that I'm an expert in international espionage and assassination. Which you don't. Because you don't need to know.

My Latest Inventions

These hand-crafted cuff links serve a variety of purposes. And by a variety I mean two. The one on the left is designed to be where I store a cyanide capsule should I ever be captured. Since that event is incredibly unlikely, I actually just keep a goldfish cracker in there. Years of study under Tibetan monks has allowed me to slow my metabolism to that of the Greenland Shark. I can survive on less than one calorie a day.

The one on the right has an intricate clockwork mechanism which allows me to dispense poison into the drinks of foreign heads of state at formal events, or skanks who just won't leave me alone at the bar.

My Heart's True Desires

In no particular order:

1. Sitting next to Jeff Ma again, even if only for one day
2. The perfect recipe for crepes. Can't stand it when they are sub-par. Meaning when they are made by anyone but me.
3. Mason Jordan's short game sniping skills on the golf course
4. Some burn. For all my money.

In Scott's Trophy Case

The items featured in today's edition of "In Scott's Trophy Case" are two Academy Awards. I won the 1929 Academy Award for Best Actress in a Leading Role for Janet Gaynor's portrayal of Diane in Seventh Heaven.

In 1930 I won a special Academy Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role after the Academy learned that I, The Snewton, had been acting as Janet Gaynor acting as Diane in Seventh Heaven.

Miss Gaynor herself later said "He plays me better than I play myself. And I AM myself. Every day."

This edition of "In Scott's Trophy Case" was brought to you by The Snewton, just as everything else good and right in the world is.

Grammy

I don't know if you guys have heard my grammy-nominated single "Money 2 Burn", but it's the hottest thing in Germany and Portugal right now. I just finished recording the music video, where I'm totally getting it on with like 8 chicks at once. Turns out it's too raunchy for any television anywhere, so I'm just gonna sell the tape online at scottnewtonsextapes.com. Pre-order now and get a free Scott Newton bobble-head.

MATHOLOGY

I'm a F*cking Rock Star

As you know, I'm pretty famous. I party hard. I know people. I don't wait in lines.

I know a few badass rockstars. They can't even hang with me. Only one who ever outdrank me was this cat named Chris Gilbreath. Brilliant songwriter. Just last week, he wrote a song dedicated to the great Brett Favre, who owes me money. (to burn)

Message from Brett Favre

by: Chaze

Oh, I will not send you pictures of my penis

Followed up by late night desperate calls

I will not send you pictures of my penis

But maybe just a couple of my balls

I wrote 1.5 of those lines, but I don't really need the credit. Maybe if you're lucky I'll share some of my songs, like "Let there be Rock", and "Ace of Spades". Yeah, I wrote those.

Scott Newton, Money to Burn

Guys, I have money. Money to burn. If you're ever down in Texas, look for my pimp ass ride. It's fucking rad, and I got this slick license plate:

I have to get in from the passenger side because the driver door won't unlock from the outside - but the license plate lets people know what's up. Money. I gots it.

Hey, people in Austin, if you're tired of the weather, gimme a holla. I know some people. 512-MNY-2BRN (512-669-2276)

Sharing my feelings

I miss sitting next to Jeff Ma.

This cat ate some of my poo

Ladies...

10 inches. Seriously.

Making an entrance

Let people know that you've arrived. When entering any room, play music on max volume out of your phone. Make direct eye contact with as many people as possible and clearly mouth the words to the song as you strut through the room. I cannot even begin to tell you how awesome this makes you.

Next week: How to Get Laid: Fog Machines and You

Being better

Hey kids, it's time for another lesson in "How to be Better Than Everyone Else".
Today's tip: Make bold claims and statements that can't possibly be right, but nobody will be able to refute. This makes you look extremely knowledgeable and outrageously in-the-know.
"Hey guys, 3 months out of the year, Oregon has the best beaches in the world."
Who the fuck can argue with that? Nobody's even been to Oregon, why would they? It's fuckin' Oregon. See what I did there? Don't say something that's easily disproven like, "Las Vegas is the only place in the world with wasabi flavored condoms." People have been to Vegas. And I own like 3 different brands of wasabi flavored condoms from, like, 2 cities that aren't Vegas. Too obvious.
Oregon beaches. Brilliant.

My body is a wonderland.

~Scott

Speaking of Movies...

Here's something to try next weekend:

Go buy a ticket to a movie and sit somewhere near the front. Bring a small notepad, a pen, and make sure you're wearing glasses. Wait until the movie begins to bust all three out.

Now makes sure to spend just as much time watching the movie as you do jotting illegible notes into your notebook. Chew on the end of your pen in between scenes. Adjust your glasses every so often too. Make sure everyone around you can see what you're doing. If nobody notices, start talking to yourself and saying "hmm" a lot.

This will let everyone know that you're too good to just watch movies. Yeah, those people will walk out of "Step Up 3D" knowing that they were missed out on a whole level of depth, and that their puny brains will never be able to see movies like you do.

Just last night there was a kid talking really loud in the row in front of me and I scissor kicked him so hard the 3D glasses are now permanently embedded in his skull. I laughed so hard I peed a little.

Movies

"Hey Scott, what's your favorite movie?"
~Ginger

Hey Ginger, you sound like a stripper.
I don't have any favorite movies, because I've already thought of every premise and plot imaginable. Nothing can surprise the Snewt. I am proud of a few movies that I came up with. I thought of the entire screenplay for "Inception" on the toilet while high off shrooms. When they decided they wanted to do it with Leonardo DiCaprio I flicked them off, sold the script for 30 bucks, jumped on the conference room table and took a huge dump in some dudes coffee. Fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Anyways, that dude drank his coffee afterwards and is now the Head of Scientific Research and Development at NASA.

Saw a dude wearing the same shirt as me today. He took one look at me, took off his shirt, apologized, and ran away screaming.

Respect. I has it.

Hey kids, remember to bring crazy and exotic foods to your workplace. Whether they realize it not, your coworkers now owe you. Big time. This is a great way to establish a subtle but definite dominance over everyone else.
"Oh hey Scott, could you help me take care of this daunting task?"
"Hey remember when I brought those sliders for everyone, you had one didn't you?"
"Oh shit Scott, you're right, I'm gonna take care of this task myself. You are much more intelligent than I, and you get all the bitches."

Nice.

Now that's respect.

Awesome 101: Hot, Dry, and Awesome Part Deux

"Hey Scott, huge fan. I wanted to ask you how you got to be so awesome. Any advice for someone trying to get as awesome as you?"
~Jaron

Well Jaron, the first thing you should know is that you will never, ever achieve the level of awesome that I have. It simply cannot happen. Once you have accepted this, get a master's degree. This is a critical step. This achievement is not so much for the sake of having tons of awesome knowledge at your disposal, but more for rubbing in people's faces. Now that you've established who's top dog, make sure you're wearing awesome clothes. Awesome patchy jackets and suspenders are a great way to say, "Hey, I'm pulling this off. Can you? I didn't think so." Whenever you can, be smoking cigars - but don't light them until people are around. Then light money on fire and light your cigar with the money. When people are no longer around, put out your cigar so you can save the rest to re-light when more people are around. Part of being awesome is being awesomely frugal. Finally, remember to be bettering yourself every day. Nobody's perfect - except me - so keep learning and growing in any way except reading. Reading is overrated.

If anybody ever gives you any shit, you kick them straight in the taint. I live by this rule.

Who knows, one day you might become half as awesome as me.

~THE SNEWT

Ghostbusters, bitches.

"I was wondering if your greatness has ever contributed to popular culture."
~James

Hey James,
I wrote the theme song for "Ghostbusters".

Real shit

"Hey Scott, I've heard about your Laws of Motion. How did you come up with that?"
~Katie

Well Katie,
I'm glad you asked. I wrote those "Laws" on a crumpled napkin while drunk skiing down the slopes of Mt. Everest. I think a passing Yeti picked it up, and was so blown away by the sheer intensity of my mind that he learned to read. He then contacted me and I gave him permission to publish them. I didn't want to draw attention to my awesomeness, so I just called myself "Sir Isaac" - which is actually the name of my pet goldfish, who also learn to read when I farted in his fishbowl.

On that note, I'm also the reason people started saying "shit just got real". My shit is always real.

More fan mail

"Hey Scott, have you ever invented anything cool? Maybe something we use every day in our households?"
~Derek

Hey Derek,
Have you ever woke up in the morning and your arm is asleep?
I invented that shit. And by extension, I also invented "the stranger". So yeah, there's something you use every day.

Thanks for the message.

Snewton OUT

Still awesome.

I've gotten a lot of hate mail about my claim of having authored the Bible. I noticed that most of these people are pretty uneducated. Let me tell you another little known fact.
Scientology? I invented that too. Just for fun. I thought it'd be a funny joke, and then I blamed Ron L. Hubbard when shit got real.
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

The Answer

If I ever ask you a question, I'm just making you feel better about yourself. Because I already know the answer.

You just shat bricks.

You might be asking yourself, if Scott is so smart, why haven't I heard of him until now? What work has he published that makes him so special? Well, ever a heard of a little book called... Oh, I don't know... the BIBLE?
I'll give you a moment to let your mind explode.

All your knowledge came from me.

You know all those books you had to read in High School? I approved that list. Didn't like Moby Dick? I knew you wouldn't. That's why I put it there.

The truth

Hey guys, here's a little known fact: 84% of wikipedia articles in existence today have been posted or edited by me. Tell your kids.

My abs are rock hard, like a diamond.

Hey guys, did you know the word "diamond" comes from the Greek word “adamas”, meaning "unconquerable"?

During the Middle Ages mine owners perpetuated myths that diamonds were poisonous. This was done to prevent the mineworkers from stealing the diamonds by swallowing them.

I started thinking about these facts because I was staring at my abs in the mirror today. My abs are actually the hardest substance on Earth, not diamonds. And that's a scientific fact. I hope you're taking notes.

Long words make you smart.

Do you like long words? I do. I use them to let everyone know that I am better than them. Here are a few for you to try:
"Oh hey, you're not looking too good. Maybe you're coming down with a case of Pneumonoultramicroscopicsolicovolcanoconiosis."
"Wow, I thought I was the only Antidisestablishmentarianismologist in this bar!"
Or you can try visiting one of these places so that you can tell people that you've been there, thereby establishing your intellectual dominance over them:
"Oh what, you haven't visited Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu? It's in New Zealand. Look it up. I'm awesome."
"Wow, I got so drunk last time I was at Dysart, Dudley, Harcourt, Guilford, Harburn, Bruton, Havelock, Eyre and Clyde. What, you think that's a made up place? It's not. I totally banged like 3 chicks there."
Remember kids: Big words make you smarter and better than everyone else.

Anyone Hungry?

Oh hai guys, it's me again, Scott. Do you like pizza? Pizza is an Italian word that meant originally "cake, tart, pie". The word came in use in American English in 1930s. Personally, I think there may be a connection with Greek pitta (cake, pie). What do you think?

Hey, Listen to me.

Hey everybody, did you know?

February was named after the Latin word "februa" - which means CLEANSING or PURIFICATION.
Isn't that interesting? And now you know.