Oh, I'm sorry

That last post doesn't make sense if you don't know that I'm an expert in international espionage and assassination. Which you don't. Because you don't need to know.

My Latest Inventions

These hand-crafted cuff links serve a variety of purposes. And by a variety I mean two. The one on the left is designed to be where I store a cyanide capsule should I ever be captured. Since that event is incredibly unlikely, I actually just keep a goldfish cracker in there. Years of study under Tibetan monks has allowed me to slow my metabolism to that of the Greenland Shark. I can survive on less than one calorie a day.

The one on the right has an intricate clockwork mechanism which allows me to dispense poison into the drinks of foreign heads of state at formal events, or skanks who just won't leave me alone at the bar.

My Heart's True Desires

In no particular order:

1. Sitting next to Jeff Ma again, even if only for one day
2. The perfect recipe for crepes. Can't stand it when they are sub-par. Meaning when they are made by anyone but me.
3. Mason Jordan's short game sniping skills on the golf course
4. Some burn. For all my money.

In Scott's Trophy Case

The items featured in today's edition of "In Scott's Trophy Case" are two Academy Awards. I won the 1929 Academy Award for Best Actress in a Leading Role for Janet Gaynor's portrayal of Diane in Seventh Heaven.

In 1930 I won a special Academy Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role after the Academy learned that I, The Snewton, had been acting as Janet Gaynor acting as Diane in Seventh Heaven.

Miss Gaynor herself later said "He plays me better than I play myself. And I AM myself. Every day."

This edition of "In Scott's Trophy Case" was brought to you by The Snewton, just as everything else good and right in the world is.

Grammy

I don't know if you guys have heard my grammy-nominated single "Money 2 Burn", but it's the hottest thing in Germany and Portugal right now. I just finished recording the music video, where I'm totally getting it on with like 8 chicks at once. Turns out it's too raunchy for any television anywhere, so I'm just gonna sell the tape online at scottnewtonsextapes.com. Pre-order now and get a free Scott Newton bobble-head.

MATHOLOGY

I'm a F*cking Rock Star

As you know, I'm pretty famous. I party hard. I know people. I don't wait in lines.

I know a few badass rockstars. They can't even hang with me. Only one who ever outdrank me was this cat named Chris Gilbreath. Brilliant songwriter. Just last week, he wrote a song dedicated to the great Brett Favre, who owes me money. (to burn)

Message from Brett Favre

by: Chaze

Oh, I will not send you pictures of my penis

Followed up by late night desperate calls

I will not send you pictures of my penis

But maybe just a couple of my balls

I wrote 1.5 of those lines, but I don't really need the credit. Maybe if you're lucky I'll share some of my songs, like "Let there be Rock", and "Ace of Spades". Yeah, I wrote those.

Scott Newton, Money to Burn

Guys, I have money. Money to burn. If you're ever down in Texas, look for my pimp ass ride. It's fucking rad, and I got this slick license plate:

I have to get in from the passenger side because the driver door won't unlock from the outside - but the license plate lets people know what's up. Money. I gots it.

Hey, people in Austin, if you're tired of the weather, gimme a holla. I know some people. 512-MNY-2BRN (512-669-2276)

Sharing my feelings

I miss sitting next to Jeff Ma.